Quantfury Gazette


What if…? Sports teams were stocks


We love to trade! And we love sports!

But, what if we combined our two loves? Wonder no more, we’ve compiled a list of what sports team some of our favourite stocks would be.

Here they are:

American Express – Manchester City

No one loves American Express, but everyone recognizes its functionality. You can buy nice things with it.

Similarly, Manchester City is a club that doesn’t capture the imagination of other, more established clubs in spite of the fact that they have an endless budget.  

Apple Inc. – Barcelona

Hip. Sexy. Expensive.

That’s the Apple way and they’ve gained a worldwide following for it. Yet, some think that they have run out of ideas and have been cruising on their history and the success of the iPhone for years.

Barcelona is nothing but history and they absolutely have been livig off the back of Messi for the last half decade at least.

Both badly need to forget their history and focus on the future.

The Coca-Cola CompanyNew York Yankees

The all-American cola. It exudes Americana and a simpler time. Yet, fewer young people are drinking it, preferring newer energy drinks or healthier options.

The Yankees, meanwhile, are still what many people think of when they think about the U.S.. However, like the sport they play, it’s up in the air for how long that will last.                                                                                                                                         

The Home Depot – Dallas Cowboys

Home Depot screams BBQ, patios and ‘Merica. It’s where real men shop. It’s the only place that they do. If you can’t find a Christmas gift for the wife at the Depot, what kind of man are you?

And real men watch football. Despite 30 years 9and counting) of losing football, the Cowboys are still the epitome of football, ‘Merica and real men. 

IBM –  Manchester United

Everyone assumes that IBM is a bit behind the times, but the reality is that the old reliable is, well, reliable. It just keeps on ticking along, always far more successful than you expect it can be or know is.

Likewise, United is not front of mind any longer. But, there they are in Europe every year and occasionally challenging for cups.

McDonald’s – Arsenal   

McDonalds is the world leader in providing food that seems to taste good, looks appealing and ultimately leaves you feeling gross and shameful.

Arsenal is worse.

Microsoft – Los Angeles Lakers

Microsoft is massively successful, buys up its competition and is generally hated by everyone who doesn’t have a direct interest in them.

I mean, people are accusing Microsoft of putting tracking chips in COVID-19 vaccine. This is not a reasonable opinion to hold of a company that has changed the world in the way that Microsoft has.

The Lakers have also given us Kobe, Magic and now LeBron. That is undeniably special and valuable.

Hate ‘em.

Nike – Mercedes F1 team

This is a company that is all about innovation and success. Since it was formed, everyone has been chasing them. Few, if any have caught them, even for a moment.

Nike is also a company associated with speed. There’s no one in the sports world that is faster and more innovative than the Mercedes F1 team right now.

They Just Do It, week after week on the F1 circuit.  

Salesforce – Bayern Munich

There is no denying that Salesforce does what it does very well and that what it does is very important for the successful operation of any business.

But, even thinking about a CRM system is enough to destroy your will to live. It’s soulless.

Look, there is no denying that Bayern is good, but they are just…so….German.

Visa Inc. – PSG

See the entry for Manchester City and AmEx, just think about it in a little more downmarket way.

An AmEx is for buying diamonds. A VISA is for buying gas.

City wins the Premier League. PSG barely has a league. 

Wal-Mart – Boston Red Sox

Wal-Mart is an incredibly rich organization that tries to pretend that they are down with the common man. In most places that they go the locals resent them coming but show up to shop. Its diehard customers are more than a little rough around the edges.

The Red Sox still try and claim that they are the underdogs in every match-up they have despite being the most successful baseball team of this century and have you ever seen a Boston sports fan?


The Walt Disney Company – Liverpool

Outwardly harmless and even childlike they are actually a ruthless, evil, corporate machine.

And, Disney is pretty bad too. 


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